What about my children?

Nine times out of ten children are in the same or next door room during domestic violence. Even if you don't think so, your children are probably very aware of what is going on between you and your partner. They may even feel responsible. By talking and listening to your children you can help them deal with what is going on.

How will the abuse affect them?

Children growing up with abuse in the home are likely to experience symptoms of stress, but often learn to keep them to themselves. Domestic violence is a secret for them too and they may not even talk to those closest to them about their feelings and fears. They may feel insecure, frightened and confused.

They may have difficulty at school, become aggressive, have trouble sleeping or nightmares. Some become 'model' pupils because they have become anxious about 'conflict' or they may be worried about making things worse at home. Or perhaps they have headaches, asthma or constant coughs and colds.

Children all respond in different ways to abuse in the home. Try reading this section on the effects of abuse on children for some of the ways they can be affected.

With support, children can make sense of what is happening. They do not have to be scarred permanently by their experiences.

How can I help my children?

• Talk openly with them and answer any questions they may have, as honestly as you are able, using words that match their age and stage of development.
• Make sure they know the abuse is not their fault.
• Teach them abuse is not acceptable.
• Help them discuss their feelings. Bottling up their feelings can create additional pressure. Listen to what they have to say and respond with respect and understanding.
• Avoid burdening them with adult responsibilities. As much as they may want to help, it is not their job to look after you .
• Encourage them to mix with other people. Contact with other people will make your children feel less isolated and boost their confidence. They will also have the opportunity to see other men behaving respectfully towards their partners
• Help them to stay safe. Teach them to call 999 and speak to the police so they know how to get emergency help. But warn them that it is dangerous to intervene if you are being attacked. Tell them they are not responsible for protecting you.
• Teach them to reach out for help by doing so yourself. Show them that getting help is a positive step and that there is nothing to be ashamed of.
• Try to boost their self-esteem by letting them know you love them, praising them and encouraging their interests.

More questions?

For more answers and suggestions, try looking around the website or reading our page of frequently asked questions. Or call the Freephone 24 Hour National Domestic Violence Helpline. Trained counsellors are there to listen and provide practical information and emotional support, every hour of the day.