I am an abuser - I want to change

It takes strength to admit you are abusing your partner. But if you really want to change, you can. Violence is learned behaviour - the good news is that you can unlearn it.

You will only be successful if you can do the following:

• Accept responsibility for the abuse. You cannot blame your actions on your partner. Nor on drink, drugs, stress or employment.
• Accept the abuse comes from your desire to control your partner. Understand the ways you control her and why you behave like this.
• Realise that you have a choice. You choose to be violent or abusive, and you can choose not to be.
• Accept your partner has a right to live her own life without being dominated and controlled.
• Stop using anger to control your partner.
• Seek help from professionals. Start by talking to your GP who can refer you for counselling, or contact a local men's group.

Can anyone help me change?

Perpetrator programmes exist to help men change their behaviour and increase the safety of women and children. Programmes normally consist of small groups of men from a range of backgrounds.

Group sessions look at the causes of violence and abuse, helping men understand why they are violent. Men are asked to take full responsibility for the abuse and recognise the impact of their violence on their partner and children.

They also learn different, non-abusive ways of behaving within a relationship.

Most programmes are in contact with the woman a perpetrator abused in order to ensure the ongoing safety of her and her children.

Who should I contact?

Respect - the national association for domestic violence perpetrator programmes and associated support services - can help you find a programme near you.

www.respect.uk.net